Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Super Angie...time to write

I was lying in bed, thinking...lately thinking leads to intense feelings...not always a good place to go, you know?

I start thinking about my mom and what could have been and what isn't going to happen. My friend Mikey told me that I will still do all those things we had planned, and she will still come with me on them. That helps...sort of. But its not the same.

I walk around my dad's house, getting into drawers, finding things she had perfectly placed somewhere. Things that made sense to her--spices go here, tea goes here, sugar is kept here etc. It almost feels wrong to move anything. Its a lot to absorb.

I've gained weight since being here. Not too surprising since A: I am "resting" my knee and doing massage and PT to it. My knee is looking and feeling so much better. My IT Band is getting the attention it needs, and I'm learning different things to prevent this from happening. B: I've been eating a lot of crap. You know. Ice cream. Cake. Cookies. Candy. a far cry from my usual eggs and turkey and frozen yogurt. lol I am looking forward to going back to cold cold Colorado and skating again and eating regular again. Also my boys will be coming home from Singapore. I've really missed them. I need my family together.

I've been thinking about our plan to move. The house we found and fell in love with didn't work out. Someone bested our offer, so we didn't get it. :( Majorly bummed because the house was a perfect fit for our family and our needs. :( I'm half excited to move to Vegas and have dreading it. Well...not really half dreading. I don't like heat. I LOVE my mountain home and the snow and cold and the beauty. BUT I love my family more, and moving to Vegas makes the most sense for Rick's job. I'm sick of living in our current situation, as much as I love being a Colorado girl. I am now just crossing my fingers and pleading with the Lord that our Cedar Hills house will sell. I just want it gone!

I can't wait to start skating again. I've been thinking a lot about skating. I feel sort of a pressure to skate USFS. Its not like any of my friends are really bugging me to do it, so its not pressure form them. And its not pressure from my coach. I actually get the feeling he would rather me skate ISI. But I really REALLY want to skate against a big group of skaters and see how I stack up. This isn't going to happen in ISI. The biggest group I've had was 4 skaters. Woo Hoo. I want 10 or more. That would incredible!

I'm re-evaluating my goals and plans again. With the health and fitness setbacks, and the death of my mom, I am looking at things differently. My goal for March: improve on my spins and lose the weight that I've gained in the past few weeks. That's all. I've decided not to test USFS in April. Its too fast. And I'm not secure enough. I need a coach to hold my hand and direct me through all this USFS madness. So I will wait until I move to Vegas full time. I think Nancy will be the perfect person to help me get ready for the tests. :) But I'm not gonna stress about it. Its just skating and tests and the USFS. I can skate ISI right now, which I will never give up.

I'll turn my attention towards a few things:
A: my family. My boys are coming home. I need to help them get re-adjusted to life, to school, to home, to school work. I want to them have an easy transition getting back into the swing of things, so I need to be "there"--not training so hard.
B: the move. I need to support Rick in packing up the Utah house.
C: Rick's climb of Denali. He will be gone for all of May, climbing one of the hardest routes on Denali. I'm SOOO proud of him and so excited for him to go. This is such an amazing opportunity and I want to support him 200%. He has some really hard training ahead of him.
D: ISI Worlds and Skate for Hope. Worlds is in July. I want to have a few new programs and maybe some new elements. And Skate for Hope is in June.

I love skating. I love the joy it brings me. I love skating fast and throwing all my feelings into what I'm skating. I love to entertain people and make them smile.

I miss my mom. Did I already write on here what the church ward served us for dessert after her memorial? Chocolate cake and donuts. Why is this important? Because my brother, in his eulogy said, "My mom's favorite desserts when she was growing up were Chocolate cake and donuts". BUT GUESS WHAT! No one who made the dinner and desserts knew this! Imagine our surprise when we saw the pink and white donuts and the chocolate cake. Of course I had some of each--in honor of my mom.

I'm thinking and moving on, but at the same time, all I can think about is how this summer she won't be with me when I take the kids to Victoria, BC. How right this minute, we are supposed to be in Hawaii, doing "nothing" as we told everyone who asked us for our agenda. All I can think of is how there will be no more shopping trips. No more trips to the movies. No more taking the kids to the park. No more car rides. No more phone calls while I'm driving to the rink and she is driving to the gym to work out. No more hearing her cheer from the bleachers at my skating competitions. No more FB comments. No more chats. No more joke emails forwarded on. No more reminders of family birthdays. No more asking for that secret family recipe. No more confiding in. No more...

Camel spins
Back spins
Chinese spirals
and maybe an axel

Life continues......
To be continued........


Otter Mum's Den said...

I miss my FB chats with your mom, and those hugs. Nobody hugged as well as Barbara!

Amy said...

Angie, you have got to take time for yourself and time to mourn your amazing mom, which could take longer than you think. You'll get back into the groove of life, but you've have a major life change and you need to take the time that it takes you to heal, not everyone is the same. HUGS to you! I loved reading this post, you are one amazing little lady you know!!! :)

Erica said...

You continue to be an amazing, inspiring woman - even in your grief. I cannot imagine what you are going through or how long it will take to start to heal but I love hearing you "breathe" and re-focus and figure out what is important to you right now, even if it changes next week or next month. I am inspired to breathe and find focus, thank you.

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