Friday, March 4, 2011

Super Angie...what they don't tell you

What they don't tell you is:

random thoughts of my mom will pop into my head at the least expected moments. not necessarily spurred on by an event or a thing. Just totally random.

The pit in my stomach has gone away but the crying in the night hasn't and I don't think it will for a long time

I'm not crying that she is dead. Does that make sense? I'm not worried about where she is. I have a mix of emotions: wishing I hadn't been so rude this past summer. Even though I know she has forgiven me for that, I just feel so awful and hate that I wasted so much time being rude. I know where she is now. I have a firm belief in the after life. I just KNOW. BUT I'm crying at the things that won't be. Like I can't show her my new nail polish color, or tell her about the birds chirping while I took my walk this morning.

Yes, I know I can talk to her but its not the same as saying "Hey mom! Guess what. My nails are actually growing and I'm not biting them. Isn't that odd? You'd think with all this stress that I'd be a nibbling away. Well, I am nibbling...on food, not nails".

I was getting a massage last night and instead of being totally relaxed, I was on the verge of tears...random thoughts.

Its the random thoughts that no one warns you about when someone dies. The totally and completely random thoughts that hit you like a truck and make you crumble to the ground. The thoughts that keep you laying in bed longer, hiding under the sheets.

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